I Have Something To Say..

I honestly thing that that is perfectly done because people feelings are so much different and you could be in love and I’m sooooooooo happy for you! You deserve this so much! I’m so jealous of you two to. :( but it’s not that big of a deal. How did kasey react when you finally told her everything? I saw her the other day at subway lol. Hope she took it okay!

Well I haven’t sent or received a text from andy since the day that he left and I actually am okay with that and I don’t mind It at the moment. And I think that that is helping me so much because I’m not seeing his name and i got rid of ALL of his texts that he sent me and I think that much has helped a lot though to. 

I have been talking to Dorian a lot and we hung out tonight (Saturday night) and I smoked again for the first time since 4-20 yeah baby. Lol and the last time I smoked I was with Dorian .. Weird huh? But we hung out with like Dylan franek.. The one that’s dating Ali Klasues. And then there were a bunch of other people and at first it was really awkward because I didnt know anyone. And then I took a couple hits off the choke, && then half of Dorians cig. It wasn’t much but I got buzzed right away. And I had to be home at 10:30 and I was like I CAN’T be late I’m already technically not able to do anything so I couldn’t fuck this much up. So he brought me home and it was like 10:15 and he dropped me off and we were just like sitting in my drive way talking and I forgot to grab spray so I had to spray some of his collange on me to his the spray..which smells realllllly freaking good. And after we were talking we got out and he gave me a big hug, and then went in for a kiss and we made out. And then he goes “Goodnight Cutie” with a big smile on his face. It was really nice to have that and it really made me think of how much I really didn’t have the feelings for Andy like I used to because it feels so right what I’m doing. 

Dats all for now. 

Me and Shawn are AWESOME.

Thursday night we were just layin on his bed and he told me to turn around and look at him. so i did..and he was like, i’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I love you. In that moment i realized i think i do too. like, i love everyone but this is a different love ya know lol. but i actually do. We hung out basically all day today. i went to his house at 2, hung out, ate dinner with his fam, then after dinner we were goofin off and being really comfortable and just ourselves around eachother and that’s how i knew i for sure loved him. it was probably one of the best nights we’ve had together. but you’re the only one i’ve told about the love thing so far. i’m gonna tell kasey, cus i finally told her and only her about everything we’ve done. but yeah i feel like if i told hannah about how we loved eachother she’d freak and be like, you’ve been dating for two months..you can’t love eachother. but really, we’ve been dating for two months, talking for five. we built a good relationship before our dating one. but anyways i’m just really happy :)

So the andy thing, it’s good he told you something, even though it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. but now you know. you’re stronger than that just believe in yourself that you can get through tough things with out hurting yourself. it will make you sooo much stronger in the end. 

This has been one crazy and eventful week. And it’s hard to talk about but I feel like it gets better the more I kinda think and recollect on what has happened. I guess I’m pissed off at deven because she spent the entire day with Andy, and was surprised first and shit and ugh I’m pissed about it and then I got to see him for maybe a total of an hour. And that was including both times I saw him. When he can on Tuesday and he gave me the tightest hug there ever could be. And then we talked and it was more so pointless because there wasn’t much to say in that small time. And then he left and I was happy and then I had to work. Which was boring as hell. And then when I got home I was asked what I was doing Thursday from Danny. An I said as of now I’m oped and shit. And he’s like wanna come babysit with me. It’s Peyton and Deklan and I was like okay. So I told my mom I was babysitting with tk and she was like okay. And it was kinda awkky but I just more so delt with it cause I mean I wouldn’t of done anything else that day anyways. So we like played toys and I took the baby..he had like no idea what to do with him. And then basically I left early because Andy wanted his Tennis sweatshirt back. So I went to his house and dropped it off and I could tell sow thing was wrong but like I didn’t ask cause I was afraid to get and answer that I didn’t want. Ya know? So I gave it back and like there was little said and then he was like come here you. And gave me a hug and he’s like I’ll see you soon, but I cant even tell you when I’ll be back. And that was that. And then I came home and had the house to myself till about 8pm and I really all I did was cried and cried and cried. I stopped at about 7:45 so my eyes would look decent before my fam came home. And that I ended up cutting. I had only made it a month clean with that before it happened. And these ones were worse than they shoulda been. But whatever I really have no emotional ability ATM. But he then texted me and told me that I shouldn’t wait for him and it’s not worth it. But I can’t give him up. He’s mine and has been for 2 years. And I can’t let him walk out of my life like this. There is no way. But I guess I won’t text him :( but as I was leaving his house..I was really tempted to take my car and hit a tree and try to kill my self. It was terrible. But I made it home. And I guess think of if he really didn’t want this. He’d ask for his cc sweatshirt, shorts, necklace etc.. Like it all doesn’t make sense but I guess I’ll live with this part. 
So I’m just moving on its just hard because I look for the things that he had in other people and I don’t see it. But I think that may be a good thing because I can’t have the same stuff that he had because if it did I wouldn’t like it. So I stopped wearing his necklace. I switched it to my diamond cross which I used to wear before I got the other one. And now I kinda basically hid all of his stuff in the corner of my closet and just leaving it all there till he asks for it back. 

Enough of that I hate. Bringing up things I try to forget. 

I think things are actually getting better besides that I did cut that day after Andy said what he said and I regret doing those because those were really deep and it was extremely hard to cover them up. And even now like they are still hard but it was my choice. 

Umm me and Dorian are still talking even back when I was talking to Andy. I guess we’re just taking it really slow and I told home I wanted It to be slow and just like take things the way I want them to go. And he was fine with it. And he is still sorry about like everything that was said last year and still feels bad and stuff.  Like I told him I forgave him but I still didn’t forget it. 

Hopefully you and shawn are good. What was the thing you were going to show me and Ellie’s ? 

Eye wuvvvvvv yew

okay so responding to your last post, shawn came over and slept over friday night. it wasn’t awkward for hannah. we all three smoked thursday and friday night together lol so it wasn’t awkward or anything. then friday we drank, hannah went down to her room later, then me and shawn just went to my room.

so idk if you could tell i wasn’t really myself yesterday, like idk it maybe seemed like i was out of it a little, atleast that’s what i thought. well, i was supposed to get my period sunday/monday and i didn’t get it. and my periods are always on time. never a day late, if anything they’re a day early. so i was so worried. idk how it could’ve been possible but i thought hard about it and thought maybe it was from friday night. he was naked, i just had on my underwear and i was on top of him giving him a handjob then yeah sorry for the deets but then i thought well maybe his precum could’ve gone through my underwear cus his dick was right there and i was reallly psyching myself out about it. i didn’t eat at all yesterday. i went to his house during the day and i just wasn’t myself. i could tell and i feel like he could to. but i tried my hardest to act normal. we made lunch there and i felt like i was gonna throw up cus i was so nervous. i didn’t eat supper before practice, i didn’t eat after. i felt sick to my stomach. i seriously thought i was pregnant..i psyched myself out soooo bad. 

in the 24 hours of yesterday, i seriously decided when i would tell my mom that i missed my period. i decided i only wanted her and shawn and you to know, no telling my dad or hannah or friends. i seriously had it all planned out cus thats how real i thought this was. i was legit thinking about abortion. it was bad.

i woke up today (tuesday) hoping that i got it over night, didn’t. right then and there i said i’ll give it one week just incase until i tell anyone. around 4 i got it. i seriously was never so happy to get it. i felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. i was so relieved. 

idk this might seem really paranoid but i was super paranoid and i thought of any way i possibly could, googled it, and it said yes. so i was basically expecting the worst, like usual. so i’m definitely gonna be more careful. it was a huge wake up call. but yeah i just needed to tell someone. 

…

Alright i think things are just going backwards? 

So like now i haven’t talked to Andy since Wednesday night. But I have been talking to Dorian. And well today while i was working he sent me a text and i didnt get it till i was off of my shift and like he said ” Wanted - Hunter Hayes.. How i feeeeel(:” so like i think that he still wants something and stuff but like i dont really know? like i am still in the process of making sure that i want to give him a chance and stuff, because like i still am in love with Andy but i think that i need to give other people a chance you know, but at like the same time i dont wanna let him go, because i feel like if i let him go then i wont be able to ever get him back and i dont want that cause like he has been there for me through so much and i want him to stay in my life and i want to see him again. and i mean the next time i will see him is when he comes home if he wants to but other than that it would be when he comes over or when i go to his house to drop his stuff off.. and i feel like that’ll be way to hard for me and i will snap and not be able to let go.. but i do feel happpy with Dorian.

Oh i want the deeats on what happened when he spent the night! Was Hannah home? awwwwwky sauce.. lol

Okay, you may have felt like you moved to fast and that is totally fine i mean thinngs happen and if you want things to last and stuff you just have to do things at a certain pace i mean if you do it all right away it gets boring and then there isnt anything that you have to look forward to besides expirementing on things, doing things different ways etc.. which could always be fun..lol but i mean if you aren’t ready then i wouldnt do it. dont feel bad because most guys understand and it is like you first real relationship so he could maybe sense that you are scared/nervous..etc. but dont feel like a prude because you arent letting anything happen yet. you’ll get there when you are ready! 

Wuvvvvvv Youuuuu<3

hey der

well idk what’s up with dorian…he said he wanted you back and yet he won’t keep a convo going? wtf. sorry it’s goin down the way it is. 

but you and andy, is it like, still just casual like you told me monday? or is it getting to be serious again? 

and working at subway would be realllly awkward…that’s one of the reasons i don’t have or want a job in new prague, because i don’t like talking to randoms outside of school. lol but i’m sure you’re doin fine!

and shawn is coming over tonight and staying over. my mom and scott are at the cabin. he came over last night too but didn’t stay over. me him and hannah smoked in our garage lol. but yeah, nothin new… i just kinda feel like a prude cus i haven’t let him finger me yet. i just feel like i went pretty fast for the first month with doing all that stuff to him, i just want to save this for later, ya know? idk it makes sense in my mind but maybe it’s just me. BUUUUUT yeah. i luuh youuu<3

hey there.

So, well Dorian and I haven’t talked in about 4 days. I have tried textng him and I’ll usually get a response but then when I try to start something I don’t get anything back. I guess you can say that i have basically given up on trying with him.

I have been talking to Andy, and I guess that everything is just natrual between us.?

So, lastnight i was working at subway or whatever and it was my first day so like i had to do like the veggies on the sammiches and like i have never seen that many np people in my life. It was really awkward, and i got like butterflies in my stomach because DANNY SHCARF showed up. I was like oh dear lord help me! I tweaked. and then like a bunch of seniors came in and like it was just really awkward but i guess its a job. 

Hope everything wiff you and Shawn is good (:

I am running. And I may or may not be happy. My parents have meditation and court about custody of Brannon. FML. I’m so scared.

THAT’S SO CUTE.

you’re running tomorrow right? we can talk about errthang there!

post that hopefully nobody saw.

k. tuesday i went to his house, we went swimming, went in, got to his room, started making out, ended up on his bed, still had swim suits on, gave him blow job. then he was on top of me and i swear his dick was moving my swim suit bottoms out of the way. i just got nervous cus i didn’t want any fluids to go near there…ha. but then after all that we were just laying there under the covers cuddling, just about to get up and get dressed cus he was basically naked and i only had on my swim suit bottoms… his sister knocks on the door…. she comes in his room and says karlees on the phone for me. i tell her to tell karlee i’ll just call her back. omg she probably thought we were having sex. i almost had a breakdown when she left the room. first his dad, now his sister. i feel like she def doesn’t like me anymore. it was really bad. especially since we were just laying there when she came in. we weren’t doing anything bad then, but it probably looked like it to her… i hate my life. cus of that, and for posting this on my regular tumblr. 

p.s. the one that got deleted was waaaaay longer….so maybe we’ll discuss it more monday on out run….

OMG

I just posted the whole thing I was gonna tell you. Except it went on my regular tumblr. I deleted it right away but idk if it was on the dash already people could still see  it. Im shaking I want to cry.

Awwwk.

Okay so I told you that i would tell you how our skype thing went well it was okay. I mean i still cant really tell what he wants but I dont know i guess im just holding on to hope. but the thing is we havent talked since then. and im not going to text him im waiting for him to text me cause i want it too seem like he wants to talk to me type of thing. 

So we were skyping and like we were talking about what he was doing or whatever cause he was cutting 542. its some type of rope that he needs to tie a daisy knot. Cant tell you what it looks like lol. but we talked about that, and then i said you caught me off guard tonight. I wasnt expecting a text from you. and he was like why is that? I said ” Because you said well i guess this is goodybye then” and he said ” i was tired and i wanted some sleep” I was like ” Well it didnt seem like that, it seemed like you were done and wanted things to be over.” he said ” no but i was just saying what was on my mind and stuff” and then his roomie form Survivial Training came in the room and he remembered skypijg with me and stuff so we had like a three way chat. but i think at this point that i am just kinda if someone comes along then i will let them have a chance if i end up falling for them.

But that is what happened. and yeah that’s what i am doing. 

This Saturday.. haha im headed out on a boat with just Jordan Lein. hahaha should be interesting! (:

k…….

so last night he picked me up, went to his house, then went to Ted. but before Ted, we had some time, one thing lead to another, we were on his bed making out, he got excited, i went down, his dad opens his door…

i sit up real quick and shawn kinda just lays there and pulled the front of his shorts up. idk if his dad saw cus his bed is kinda behind a wall, but he knew we were on it, and idk i think he just knew…

ugh i feel like they won’t like me anymore/: after he left, i literally layed there like frozen. and he’s like, what’s wrong? umm pretty sure you’re dad knows…it was bad. i like wanted to cry, idk why i just wanted to. ahhhh i hope to God he thinks he just walked in on us making out… AHHHHH.